We Need You

HI MEIMEI aka PHOEBE aka PEIYING :D
I specially changed my blog setting to 'Public' so that if you happen to chance upon this old blog of mine, you'll get a sneak peak into my 'old' life. Heehee
One reason is because these events are so long ago, perhaps they don't mean that much to me.

This place has so much sentimental value. I....

I'm blogging at echn.tumblr.com.
See you there :)

Today, I have lost a friend. A friend who was very dear to me back in the good ol' days. We lost contact for around half a year or so and I tried to get in touch with her frantically via different mediums, but to no avail. In the recent month, I got a little curious as to why she didn't respond to my numerous emails, whatsapp and facebook messages. "This is weird.", I thought to myself. I started to have panic attacks and began to scrutinize what I said and did before, just to make sure that I didn't offend her in the slightest way. As I recall what we did over the past 10 months - during As and after As - everything seem alright, nothing abnormal and offending. The only conclusion that I gathered from my own experience was that she didn't fare well for her As and thus it led to her feeling embarrassed to meet-up with lest I asked her "Hey, which university are you intending to go? What course? I hope we're going the same school!"

In the wee hours, I managed to muster enough courage to ask a close friend of hers what exactly happened. Why the hostility? Why the ignoring of messages? True enough. That close friend of hers told me that she wants to keep to herself her troubles. It turned out that she didn't do well for her As and was unable to gain admission into any universities (I'm not sure about private university though) But still, I can't understand why she wouldn't want to meet up with me but would rather meet up with the others. Is our friendship that tenuous? Is this what people say, that true friendships are only those which stand strong against the test of time and trials and tribulations? I don't get it. I thought we were good friends but I didn't expect that she would give up on this friendship because of a problem like this. Friend, I know what you're going through and I really wished that I was there with you. I know it's tough balancing expectations and disappointments, what's more something like this which literally affect your whole life. I cried just now. There were two reasons. Firstly, the close friend whom I talked to didn't see things from my perspective. I was talking to her as a baffled friend who is so worried for this friend of mine who disappeared from my world without me knowing anything. The conversation got frustrating at the very end because I was hoping to probe further but that friend on one side, didn't want to say or she didn't know anything which made me seem very irritating and busybody. She might have thought "There must be something wrong with you since she didn't want to meet up with you. Stop bothering me with your own puny problems." This overwhelming sense of helplessness just took over my head. I.just.couldn't.understand.a.single.thing. I thought that maybe she didn't want to be an emotional burden to me, since this was her problem. But what are friends for? I really hope that she will be ready to accept me as a friend soon.

Dear *, I'm here for you as a listening ear 24/7. I hope that you can understand the nature of our friendship. That is, I'm not here to judge you but to be your friend who shows you care and concern. Our friendship isn't reliant on how well we are doing in our academics/in life as a whole. That is not important at all. I hope you understand that I really want to help you in many ways (be it practical ways) and be there as an emotional support during your tough time. I hope that you'll give me a chance.

Sincerely,
me.

It's totally not an issue of me accepting my 'fate' and to be contented with what I have.
The issue is that I know that I could achieve SO MUCH MORE but why am I stuck in status quo.
Seeing so many 'undeserving' people who could pursue their dreams just fumes me.
I could be like that.
I have to emphasize, this is not a case of me not making the most out of my current situation
but it is a case of a possible chance to pursue my dreams and yet, I am just dumbfounded by everyone's objections.
This is life.
I feel discontented, but... there are just some consequence which I have to stick to.
"Why am I stuck here? Why can't I go there? I could have gone there if....."
The feelings of jealousy and envy will wear off......soon.

My heart has been well-trained to cope with sudden disappointments.
I just don't get why people say things when they are still in the tentative stages and give me a glimpse of hope ?
I'd rather that they only mention it when details are finalized than making me a fool for being so gullible and naive.

I.... cannot deal with disappointments at all.

There's this sour feeling inside me when I know that people are heading overseas to study. Why? Why am I stuck here for the next 4 years when I could just go over There to pursue what I like. Everything will be perfect (pardon me for being such an idealist), I suppose.

I really miss blogging/writing/'penning' down my thoughts
the technological fast is going to end on july second - 
the day where the transition group will be abolished and that every single person will be allocated to their respective uni campus.
nyc for me. i'm pretty excited.
this new phase of life marks the beginning of adulthood.
after owning an atm card, i know that i am on my own.

can't wait to go back to my space in tumblr. feel like doing something drastic then. but, i dont live to update people on my life. feel like i have lost contact with the whole world (almost) ever since i have stopped using twitter and facebook. i don't even know what my friends are up to these days except for the occasional email notifying me that people have posted up messages on some groups which i was invited to. keeping up with the lives of your friends is a tedious process. there must be a mutual want to advance the friendship. or else, everything is futile. it seems like i am the one who is constantly giving and not having friends who reciprocate. maybe i am wrong. maybe my judgement is flawed. maybe they too think that i am neglecting them. time is not enough. how can 24 hours be enough for one to have personal time, sleep and to meet up with every loved ones?

school is starting soon. frankly, i am scared. i am afraid that i will be suffocated by the competition amongst the other foreign talent. i am afraid that i can't fit into the environment. i am afraid that i won't do well to go for exchange in my second/third year. i want to do well so that i can go stanford/us universities to do my masters in geology/earth sciences. hopefully the schools won't despise me but firstly, i have to prove my competence. most, if not all of my friends are heading to business/fass with the exception of a few.. i am taking such a huge risk. venturing out of my humanities bubble. my english will not matter anymore, from this stage of life. i have already set a clear direction in my life and i know that i will have to invest tonnes of hardwork and sweat to make all these happen. my friends think i'm mad. sometimes i think i'm crazy too. everyone thought that i was going to pursue geography. frankly, i thought i was going to do that too. i even excitedly proclaimed to ms j that i was elated that i can set foot into fass. i had big dreams of myself living in usa for 2 years, being the cream of the crop and be selected for the joint-degree programme at unc chapel hill. but clearly God has other plans for me. He has perfect plans for me, some of which may seem to be illogical to the human mind. i know that i'm already 19 and i shouldn't be bothered by seemingly childish problems. but for now, i am afraid that i will have no friends at all.

my fingers are now swelling with blisters forming at the fingertips. must be the lack of guitar practise. playing for lg tomorrow -
Heart of Worship
true enough, i am constantly reminded that the core of our worship should be Him. it isn't about the guitarist, the worship leader or how exalting the worship song sounds. it is about HIm ultimately.


since the beginning of the holidays, i have actually started on a number of books. but i've yet to complete them. shame on me.

Disappointment with God
Intimacy with God
Moral Disorder
Mere Christianity
Lateral Thinking

would like to give these books a second/third try

Never let me go
Lolita
Catch-22
Persuasion (I quit after 3 chapters! lol it felt so draggy imo)
Shining

would like to read these books

Norwegian wood
A grief observed + the other c.s lewis books with jolyn
The winter's tale (zomg thought it was a novel, didn't realise it was a play)
Jane Eyre (hahah wide sargasso sea)
cooking/baking books (not books per se but whatever!)

***

Can't wait for cat to be back with goodies (i mean real goodies like macarons from la'duree omgomg love the pistachio one <3) 
and can't wait to develop her film photos (hope that she had been taking photos religiously)
and i can't wait to lay my hands on my pentax again.
and of course, the highlight (imo) of my long break. the trip in July!!!!!! ( no number of '!'s can show how excited i am for this trip yessah strike it off my bucket list )
Pass my driving test before school starts in august
side note: just learnt parallel parking today. all it good :)

Till then life's good. God bless everyone out there!

 I wanna say that I'm feeling so much more cheerful these days perhaps its due to my technological fast from Fb/Twitter/Tumblr - I get to focus more of my time on what's important (cue: the WOG).

Zoom 5 months have passed since A levels ended. Surreal, huh? But sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my precious holiday away. Okay don't get me wrong - meeting up with people, dancing, learning Jap (Albeit half-heartedly now) isn't bad. But when someone asked me what concrete goals did I managed to attain this holiday, I was stumped. Err does going to dance classes (almost) everyday counts?

On dance, I feel like I'm so mediocre. I'm NOT even average. This is so sad. Sometimes I get overly discouraged by my inability to catch steps and to dance with swagger and style. Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out for dance - I mean a lot people say "Eh, you don't look like you dance". But then, do I REALLY have to LOOK like a dancer to BE like a dancer? Mmmhmm.

Need to steward my time efficiently.
Time check: 4:03am
Work in 7 hours' time.

Using my first roll of film. Lack of subjects to capture in my first [memorable?] roll of film. I need to get that flash asap. Hope I can go M'sia this weekend (Idc M'sia is better than nothing). General Elections is finally 'interesting' for once. I need to shed some pounds. I need to sleep earlier. I need to be more productive. This space still has loads of sentimental value to me even thought I have effectively moved over to Tumblr but yeah, I still love this space a lot!

Nights out yall!

i hate how intentions often get misunderstood across the internet. face-to-face talk is still important.

i love my friends <3